An insight

Despite this blog allowing anonymous posting, I remain vulnerable as the fellow writers on this blog are friends that are the most cherished and will read this.

I don’t talk much about my mental health. I do not have the courage to tell social media, Facebook friends, that I’m on downward slope. If I do, those that say “I’m here if you need me!” are mostly lying. I tried it once and they didn’t care nor bothered to follow up. Worst part, they were medically trained professionals. I don’t share because it feels shameful to tell strangers about raw and irrational thoughts. I was diagnosed with anxiety/panic and depression a few years ago, it’s something many people have and seems a bit “cliche.” But it’s real. A real medical condition. I’ve learned to understand that it’s something to live with no matter how amazing life seems at the moment, a fall is likely to happen one day. Sure, I’ve taken medications but I was too suspicious as to why my first psychiatric visit only lasted 15 minutes and I walked out with a prescription. How is that possible? Sure it’s likely possible but I just figured perhaps the doctors were pushing drugs out because they’re in it with big pharma. Probably true. At one point, I was on three different high dosages of anti-depressants. Oh yeah, I felt great. Too great to be real. Then I stopped and went through a couple of spirals but I’ve been able to manage them by keeping myself busy somehow.

Ups and downs, cherishing life, disappointed at life, good thoughts, daring thoughts, doubting, fidgeting, running your hands through your hair, cracking knuckles, day dreaming, questioning every move and every answer, hearing the clock tick, watching the sun stay still, waiting for the day to pass, laying in bed wondering what went wrong today and why, hoping tomorrow is better, wondering who will send a random message to lift your spirits, showering, not showering, listening to music that soothes your soul, giving up on hope, being hopeful, brushing your hair or bedhead, watching people laugh, reading body language, why did that person say “few more days til you’re gone?”, trying to not judge yourself too hard, remembering that it will soon pass and life will seem awesome until it creeps up again. 

Sharing my experience isn’t exactly as it is, it’s only a small glimpse. Figured it’s a great way to display mental health awareness, especially high functioning. As a suggestion, always remember that saying “get over it” or “think it something else” doesn’t really help.

Have a great day! 🙂

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