A theme of life

It’s rather unfortunate… my love life that is. It’s unfortunate that I fall for assholes, shitty men and people whom are considered my best friends. There’s one of those but not all in the same category. I lie to myself saying, “no, I don’t love them. We’re just friends. I’m friend zoned forever.” Or maybe I have successfully convinced myself? But it doesn’t matter how many times we’ve had sex, kissed or stared into each other’s soul. Only I have fallen through the black hole of their pupils. Accepting everything they throw at me after giving it throughouh thought. In the end it doesn’t matter right? Some people won’t accept you, only see you as sexual object, or just a friend. People say I should forget about those who don’t reciprocate the feeling but I can’t jiggle the way I feel. My intuition, mind, heart and soul tells me other wise. I’m quite the fool who loves people for who they are and not for appreance. I don’t live up for people’s expectations, my character is flawed and overlooked for the thinner, prettier, whiter (not everyone but..), smarter, outgoing person. I don’t discourage my character as I know I’m full of a brilliant life but it also takes me to dark oasis of pity and occasional floods of self-doubt. I don’t ask for people to understand me, only true acceptance and love. Love, a theme of life that I don’t truly know nor understand but it sometimes makes me feel numb or head over heals too quickly.

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